We're Talking, But Are We Communicating? Tips From a Couples Therapist
In every relationship, couples talk. They talk about bills, the kids, the schedule, the dog, dinner, and weekend plans. But here’s the real question: Are you actually communicating?
A common issue brought up in couples therapy is:
“We talk every day, but it still feels like we’re not connecting.”
That’s because talking isn’t the same as communicating. True communication goes beyond exchanging words. It’s about emotional presence, empathy, and connection. In this blog post, we’ll explore why couples often feel disconnected despite daily conversations—and how to bridge the gap with simple, powerful strategies to improve communication in your relationship.
The Difference Between Talking and Communicating
Let’s get clear: Talking is the act of speaking words. Communicating, on the other hand, is about meaning. It involves listening, emotional attunement, body language, and intention.
Think about it:
You and your partner might talk about your day, but do you feel understood?
You might discuss a conflict, but does either of you feel heard?
In healthy relationships, communication creates connection. It helps you navigate conflict, build trust, and maintain emotional intimacy over time.
Why So Many Couples Struggle to Communicate
Even couples who love each other deeply can fall into communication ruts. The most common issues couples face in therapy include:
Talking over each other
Assuming instead of asking
Listening to respond, not to understand
Avoiding uncomfortable topics
Using criticism or sarcasm instead of expressing feelings
Shutting down or withdrawing during conflict
These habits are often unconscious—but over time, they erode emotional safety and connection.
A Common Miscommunication Trap
Many couples operate like this:
Partner A: “You never help me with anything around the house.”
Partner B: “That’s not true—I just vacuumed yesterday!”
This isn’t communication. It’s a ping-pong match of blame and defense.
What’s really going on? Likely, Partner A is feeling unsupported or overwhelmed, and Partner B is feeling unappreciated. But that subtext gets lost when the focus shifts to facts instead of feelings.
A better approach?
“I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately and could use more help. Can we talk about how to divide things differently?”
The difference between these two statements is that the second one invites more dialogue and gives your partner the option to talk about their feelings regarding household chores.
Signs You're Talking, Not Communicating
Here are a few red flags that your conversations might be surface-level:
You leave conversations feeling frustrated, not understood
One or both of you shut down or get defensive
You talk to each other instead of with each other
Emotional topics get ignored or rushed
Conflict leads to silence or escalates into arguments
The good news? With intention and a few strategies, you can change this.
How to Improve Communication
These practical, couples therapist-approved tips can help you stop just talking—and start truly communicating.
1. Practice Active Listening
Active listening is a cornerstone of effective couples communication. It means giving your full attention, reflecting what you hear, and checking for understanding.
Make eye contact
Put down your phone
Reflect back: “What I’m hearing is…”
Ask: *“Did I get that right?”*
This signals to your partner: You matter. I’m here. I’m listening.
2. Validate Feelings—Even When You Disagree
Validation isn’t about agreeing. It’s about showing your partner that their feelings are real and important.
“I can see how that would be frustrating for you.”
Validation builds emotional intimacy and reduces reactivity.
3. Slow Down During Conflict
When arguments escalate, take a break. Let your nervous system reset before continuing.
Try saying:
“I care about what you’re saying, but I’m too overwhelmed right now. Can we take 15 minutes and come back to this?”
Conflict isn't the enemy—disconnection is. Pausing helps preserve connection.
4. Make Time for Meaningful Check-Ins
Daily logistics dominate most conversations. To reconnect emotionally, set aside 10–15 minutes a day to talk about how you’re really feeling—not just what needs to get done.
Use questions like:
“What was the best part of your day?”
“Is there anything you need support with right now?”
“How are we doing as a team lately?”
These small moments build emotional closeness over time.
Real Talk: You Can’t Read Each Other’s Minds
One of the most common communication breakdowns in relationships is assumption. We assume our partner should know how we feel or what we need—without actually saying it.
But mind-reading isn’t a love language.
If you want more affection, say so.
If something bothered you, share it (kindly).
If you’re struggling, open up about it.
Clear, direct communication isn’t demanding—it’s respectful.
Try This: A Weekly Relationship Check-In
Here’s a simple, structured way to deepen communication:
The 3-Question Check-In
Once a week, sit down with your partner (phones off, distractions minimized) and take turns answering:
1. What’s something I appreciated about you this week?
2. What’s something I’ve been feeling that I haven’t said yet?
3. What’s one way we could support each other better next week?
This builds gratitude, honesty, and teamwork—without turning into an argument.
When to Consider Couples Therapy
If you and your partner keep having the same fight, feel stuck in negative patterns, or struggle to talk without tension, it might be time to seek help.
A couples therapist can help you:
Understand your communication patterns
Learn tools to manage conflict
Rebuild emotional connection
Develop long-term strategies for healthy communication
Therapy isn’t about pointing fingers—it’s about learning how to be a team again.
Final Thoughts: Talking Is Easy. Communicating Is a Skill.
Every couple talks. But not every couple communicates. With support from The Keely Group’s couples therapy in NYC, you can learn to truly communicate and strengthen your bond.
The difference is whether you’re simply exchanging words—or truly hearing, understanding, and connecting with each other.
By slowing down, listening with empathy, and speaking with intention, you can stop having the same arguments and start building a stronger, more emotionally connected relationship.
Because in the end, communication isn’t about who’s right—it’s about staying connected through everything life throws your way.
Break Free From Miscommunication and Reconnect Through Couples Therapy in NYC
Struggling to feel truly heard in your relationship? Couples therapy in NYC can give you the tools to move past surface-level talks and build a genuine connection. At The Keely Group, we’re here to help you strengthen communication, deepen intimacy, and create a partnership that lasts. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Read through our FAQ page to answer any lingering questions you may have about couples therapy.
Fill out our convenient online contact form to get in touch with a supportive couples therapist at The Keely Group.
Start feeling heard in your relationship!
Additional Online Mental Health Services Offered at The Keely Group in NYC
At The Keely Group, we understand that many couples come to therapy not just to talk, but to truly learn how to communicate and connect. Our couples therapy in NYC focuses on helping partners move beyond daily stressors and rediscover emotional closeness, even in the midst of busy schedules. To make support more accessible, we offer online therapy options and additional services that strengthen relationships, encourage growth, and help you navigate life’s challenges together. These include: