How To Reduce Your Anxiety When Dating New People
Pre-Date Anxiety is Extremely Common
If you’re like most people, the uncertainty and pressure of dating are a source of pre-date rumination. You wonder, “Will I like them? What if they’re an asshole? Will they like me? Do I look similar enough to my profile pic? Even if the date goes well, will I end up getting ghosted? Am I even worthy of affection?”
Finding a Balance Between Anxiety and Healthy Coping Skills
It’s totally normal to have some anxiety when dating new people. But you risk sabotaging yourself unless you can learn how to cope with dating anxiety in healthy ways. For example, if you’re so anxious that you have six cocktails during your date, you might share too much info too soon, potentially scaring them off. On the other hand, if you’re so self-conscious that you hide your true self, you might waste your energy pursuing a lousy match.
How to reduce and cope with dating anxiety
As relationship therapists, we have a lot of experience helping people with their anxiety when dating. Every situation is different, but most people benefit from the following advice:
Get to know yourself
To prepare for your next rendezvous, consider what you bring to the table. What is your attachment style, and how does it affect your relationships? It’s essential to do this introspective work, especially if you have an anxious attachment style. Exploring your mental wiring can help you reduce dating anxiety by allowing you to see that some of your stress is a remnant of your past—not a reflection of your current circumstance.
Revisit Your Goals and Values
We also recommend revisiting your goals and values pre-date. If you don’t know what you want in your life or partner, you might waste your energy on people who aren’t a good match. At the same time, we encourage you to question your assumptions. What personality traits are non-negotiable for you, and which might you be willing to compromise on?
Separate Life and Relationship Goals
As you consider your life and relationship goals, be careful not to lump them together unnecessarily. For example, maybe you’re anxious about finding a partner because you’re getting older and want children. If so, would it relieve some pressure to freeze your eggs/sperm? It might also be worth asking yourself whether you really need a partner to become a parent or whether single parenthood could work for you.
You May Find That You Can Achieve Your Goals Without a Partner
Maybe revisiting your goals won’t reveal anything helpful. On the other hand, you might realize that you can still achieve certain goals without a partner. That realization could take some of the urgency and anxiety out of the dating experience.
Shift your perspective
We’ve worked with many people who want to skip over the dating part and go straight to the “happily ever after.” They’re so eager for things to work out that they push forward with the wrong person. They don’t have much factual information after just a date or two, so they fill in the gaps with optimistic assumptions: “Everything is going great!” they think. “This is the one!”.
Be Realistic, Dating is Hard
Dating is hard. We get it. But you can’t skip over the getting-to-know-you phase without setting yourself up for disappointment. You’ve got to stop viewing each date as a do-or-die situation and recognize that individual dates don’t matter much. When you experience pre-date anxiety, we recommend lowering your short-term expectations and approaching each date as a learning experience. You can learn a lot about yourself from both good dates and bad ones.
Be present
Before and during each date, you can combat negative thought spirals by approaching dating as a conscious practice. Take a deep breath. Focus on the feeling of your clothing on your skin or your feet on the ground. Pay attention to your surroundings, including sounds, tastes, and smells. Return your focus to these things frequently throughout the date.
We realize that’s easier said than done. If you lose focus during your date, you can excuse yourself to the restroom. Take a few minutes to collect yourself, and when you’re ready, return. Staying present will help you reduce anxiety when dating new people (while also allowing you to be a better listener).
Keep it quick
Don’t plan to spend an entire evening with someone you barely know. Instead of planning drinks and dinner on a first date, stick to one cocktail or cup of coffee. Since you know you’ll only be there for a half-hour or 45 minutes, the date will feel like less of a big deal. If it starts off poorly, you can take comfort in knowing it will be over soon.
On the other hand, if the date goes well (or if you’re ambivalent), you can plan to meet again in the future, but we urge you not to lengthen the first or second date. In our experience, it’s best to give yourself time to calm down and digest the experience before spending more time with the person. That way, you’re less likely to be carried away by flights of fancy.
Dating Therapy Might Be a Great Fit for You
Maybe you have a close friend or family member who can help you process your feelings after each date. Ideally, it’s someone who doesn’t have a vested interest in the outcome and knows a little about attachment types/relationship psychology. If you’re really lucky, this person also has a sense of humor and can encourage you to laugh off your worst experiences.
On the other hand, maybe the people in your life can’t empathize with your situation. Or they’ve been putting too much pressure on you (mom’s been trying to set you up with her church friends, or your best friend has impossibly high standards).
Want to Know More About Your Own Relationship Attachment Style?
CLICK HERE to take our questionnaire now and get paired with a therapist to help you evaluate the results FOR FREE!
Work With an Anxiety Therapist During Therapy for Dating in NYC and Overcome the Stress of Dating!
Are you a Professional Single struggling to make meaningful relationship connections in NYC? Does your fast-paced, post-pandemic life leave you feeling like you have no energy to find your perfect partner? If you don’t have the right support, now would be a great time to consider Therapy for Dating or Anxiety Therapy. Our relationship therapists teach singles in New York City and throughout the state how to overcome pre-date anxiety. We also help people develop their intuition so they can distinguish when to invest in a relationship versus move on.
Read through our FAQ page to answer any lingering questions you may have.
Fill out our convenient online contact form to get in touch with our team.
Begin building the skills to form lasting romantic relationships.
Other Online Mental Health Services Offered at The Keely Group in New York City.
In addition to Online Therapy for Dating, The Keely Group offers a wide variety of online services to fit the needs of busy professionals. Our goal is to help you streamline your life and gain the skills to overcome the challenges that arise in your life. These services include: