Common Causes Of Anxiety At The Start Of A Relationship

Many of our patients have experienced early relationship anxiety when first getting to know someone or taking a relationship to the next level. Some are unable to pinpoint its origin, making them feel like they have relationship anxiety for no reason.

There Is a Reason For Your Anxiety

If you’ve been dealing with new relationship anxiety, there must be a reason—even if you’re not consciously aware of it. Anxiety always has a cause. It’s a signal from your body that there is some kind of threat up ahead (whether real or perceived) that you need to prepare for.

Your new relationship anxiety is a reflection of your fears. What are you afraid is happening—or is going to happen—in your relationship?

Exploring Common Relationship Anxiety Causes

Dealing with new relationship anxiety is uncomfortable, but if you want to successfully manage it, you can’t ignore it or push it away. You need to put on your “third-party neutral observer” hat and get curious about it. Ask yourself the following questions to find out whether these common causes of anxiety might apply to you when dating someone new:

Are you generally anxious?

There is a lot of anxiety in the world right now. If your baseline anxiety level is generally high, it’s only natural that you would direct some of that toward the things in your life you’re not completely comfortable with, including new relationships.

Do you doubt your partner’s level of affection/commitment?

If so, there are at least two possible explanations for your feelings of insecurity.

One may be that you have an anxious attachment style, meaning you didn’t get the level of attention and affection you needed at some point in the past (perhaps during childhood). You learned that relationships are not a reliable source of support, so you now assume that your partner will not consistently be there for you. As a result, you interpret their words and actions through a lens of insecurity and doubt. This can get in the way of forming secure attachments in relationships. (Learn more aboutattachment styles and how they affect relationships, and explore your attachment style.)

There could be another explanation for your relationship insecurity

Another possible explanation for your relationship insecurity is that you’re reacting to some real signals you’re picking up from your partner. It’s possible they aren’t that into you. Or maybe they do like you, but they’re dealing with some attachment issues of their own. If you’re having trouble figuring out whether your insecurities are real vs. an emotional remnant from your past, an experienced relationship therapist or anxiety therapist can help.

Are you feeling suffocated or having FOMO (fear of missing out)?

Whenever you get close to someone, do you start to question whether maintaining the relationship will be worth the effort? Maybe you question whether there might be someone better out there—even though your partner seems like a good match for you. You’re always able to find a reason to distance yourself from someone when they get too close for comfort, leading you to ask yourself, “Why do I always sabotage my relationships?”

If any of this sounds familiar…

You may have an avoidant attachment style. This type of attachment can develop when a person is neglected or abandoned as a child, leading them to internalize the belief that self-sufficiency is the best way to survive.

Is it a Current Issue or a Past Issue

On the other hand, it’s possible your feelings of suffocation and FOMO are a reaction to your current situation, not your past. Does your partner constantly need attention and reassurance? Do they seem unable to provide what you seek in a relationship? If you feel suffocated by the relationship, it’s essential to figure out why.

Have you been hurt by a relationship before?

Does vulnerability make you feel afraid or uncomfortable? Did physical/emotional abuse during childhood (or a bad relationship or breakup during adulthood) teach you that close relationships are dangerous? If so, you may have developed a disorganized attachment style, leading you to fear and avoid relationships—even as you simultaneously crave them.

If new relationship anxiety keeps showing up and you're not sure why, it may be worth talking to someone.

Request a consultation with The Keely Group, or learn more about our work in anxiety therapy and attachment therapy.