Unlocking Social Doors: A Guide to Networking for the Socially Anxious
If you ever feel the sudden onset of panic when invited to a party, you are not alone. Per the NIH, at least 12% of adults in the U.S. experience social anxiety disorder at some point in their lives, according to an early 2000s study. Additionally, the COVID-19 pandemic left many people isolated for so long that they had to re-learn social skills
Social phobia: debunking myths
Although some may think the quiet kids in the corner prefer their isolation, this is often not the case. People with social anxiety have a desire for closeness and companionship. However, this is often coupled with fear of rejection, judgment, or embarrassment. As with many anxiety disorders, these fears may be distorted and unrealistic, but the stress is constant.
People with social anxiety are not the same as the wallflowers you see on TV, they won’t change just by meeting a new friend or magically by puberty. It’s not as simple as “breaking out of your shell”, the process of overcoming social phobias requires a long-term commitment and support.
Sadly, we live in a culture that rewards and punishes its inhabitants based on their social capital. Today’s job market is extremely competitive, and the potential recession has led to a string of layoffs across various sectors. Social ties, even weak ones, can significantly help improve your odds of stable employment.
If you are attempting to expand your network and need a boost. Here are some tips to bring as your “safety belt” for the next event.
Networking tips for people with social anxiety
High-functioning anxiety at work events
Before entering this space, what are your concerns and questions? For example:
What type of person do you want to meet at this event? (Engineer, Project Manager, etc.)
How will you navigate this space? Do you want to scope out the environment first? Are you comfortable initiating a conversation? Would you prefer to start with one-on-one interaction and then groups?
Do you have a method of coping or staying motivated before and during the event?
Networking anxiety: what's the worst case?
We’ve already covered social phobia but here’s a refresher about what people with Social Anxiety are afraid of:
Embarrassment
Saying the wrong thing
Judgment
Are you afraid saying the wrong thing will lead to uncomfortable stares and negative commentary directed at you? That’s entirely valid, we’re human, and intrusive thoughts love to come and ruin our day.
But aside from it being valid, is it realistic? Has this ever happened to you before? Why does the idea of this consequence upset you? Do you think you’re the reason these consequences are possible?
Letting yourself be ruled by the opinions of others is extremely limiting and although a group ganging up against you is highly unlikely. It is likely that someone might not like you. But is that a bad thing? Is it your fault? I want you to sit with these questions, maybe try answering them in a journal if you’re comfortable, and reflect on the entry.
How to combat networking anxiety
Be prepared
If you’re starting out, avoid improvisation as much as possible. Prepare what you’re going to say ahead of time. How will you introduce yourself, what questions will you ask? Be ready to answer a few basic questions-What do you want to do? What are your skills? What projects have you worked on? Have a pitch ready, a few sentences to summarize your experiences, interests, and how you can make a strong contribution as an employee.
Develop coping skills that work for you
Preparation is important, but when the event comes around, fears may still arise. You may not be ready for every situation that arises, what will you do if that happens?
Common coping practices
Take a walk
Take a bathroom break
Call a friend
Deep breaths (counting on the exhale and inhale)
Think about your goals and values. Why did you come to this space? What are your goals? Why is this important to you? You can keep a few words written down to keep in your mind as a mantra when you get nervous.
Cognitive defusion
It may seem ridiculous at the moment, but cognitive defusion can also help. Cognitive defusion is a process used to create a different relationship with the stream of thought that flows through our heads. Think about your current fear and imagine it flying away into the sky or sing it out loud. This helps create distance from the consuming intrusive thoughts so you can focus on the moment. Your fears are a voice in your head, these tools help lessen their control over your decisions.
Take it slow if you need to
Don’t rush yourself, even with all these tools the real work of interacting with other professionals will be hard. Exposure can come in small steps, with practice using the tools above. The little victories will build you coming into networking events with more self-confidence than you could’ve initially imagined.
The first step is deciding where you want to start out. Maybe you could have a goal of talking to at least one person for 15 minutes or trying to join a group conversation for 5 minutes. If you can’t do it on the first try, no stress. This isn’t about consistent wins, it’s about practice for the mental Olympics you’re going to be doing.
When you do accomplish your goals, stay mindful of these experiences. How were you able to cope? What did you expect going in? What happened? And finally, were any of these outcomes positive?
Are you a bit overwhelmed by the task ahead of you? Don’t worry you’re not alone. There are plenty of resources available to help you along this journey.
Social anxiety support resources
Support groups
Support groups are spaces where people facing similar obstacles can gather, usually with a professional facilitating the conversation. It’s a great opportunity to share your thoughts as well as hear from others who can relate to your problems. If you’re interested in joining a group many therapeutic practices can provide information on potential options. Additionally, you can do a search based on your location to see if any local health services groups host groups.
Support systems
It’s very hard to take these steps alone, having a support system around keeps you accountable and provides a safe space for when your fears take over. A support system can be friends, family, and therapists. Anyone who you feel comfortable with defines your support system.
Reading materials
Reading materials can help you learn more about your condition as well as prepare you to take steps to mitigate your anxiety. Two books we would recommend are How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety by Ellen Hendrikson and The Social Skills Guidebook by Chris Macleod.
Therapists
Therapists can provide targeted guidance specialized to your needs and goals. They can help you map out your thoughts and emotions with challenges and identify the best place to start exposure. Additionally, they can help you create calming mechanisms and build resilience that in the long term will help you manage your anxiety.
Working with a therapist can help
If networking anxiety is affecting your professional life or holding you back in ways that feel stuck, therapy can help you understand what's underneath it and build real capacity—not just coping scripts.
Request a consultation with The Keely Group, or learn more about our work with anxiety and stress.