Overwhelmed By Holiday Expectations? Here’s How To Deal
Contributed By: Erin McMaugh Tierno
The holidays are a very social time. You’re interacting with lots of people, many of whom expect certain things from you. Your mom expects you to spend an entire weekend at her house. Your kids expect you to make the same gingerbread cookies that you did last year. And your boss expects you to keep up with email—even during your “time off.” You can’t possibly make everyone happy and stay sane. So what do you do?
How to manage holiday expectations
Holiday expectations are a big part of the stress many people feel this time of year. Spending the holidays with extended family is challenging, especially when they seem to enjoy overstepping your boundaries. Your friends, kids, spouse, and colleagues/clients may also be overwhelming you with their assumptions and requests.
As anxiety therapists, we are familiar with the feelings of stress and anxiety that holiday expectations can bring about. Here are our suggestions for managing everyone’s holiday expectations, including your own:
Make space for your emotions
Are you feeling trapped by work or family obligations? Guilty that you won’t have time to bake cookies this year? Overwhelmed by the long list of people who probably expect you to buy them gifts?
Instead of drowning these feelings with a third glass of eggnog, make an attempt to simply sit with them. Are there healthier ways you could process them, such as journaling or talking it out with someone (ideally an anxiety therapist)? Could you take a walk or squeeze in a 15-minute yoga video to help you stay regulated? Even if you’re in the middle of a dinner party when difficult emotions hit, you can volunteer to take out the trash, go “get something out of my car,” or excuse yourself to the restroom to buy yourself a few minutes to decompress.
Consider why certain holiday expectations create stress
Do you feel guilty about leaving Mom’s house after dinner instead of staying for the entire weekend? If so, consider why it’s so hard for you to maintain personal boundaries during the holidays. If you expect Mom to react to your departure by thinking that you’re selfish, is that because she actually said that? Or could it be that you’re assuming she’d judge you? Maybe some part of you believes you’re selfish, so you assume she would think so, too.
Here’s another example. Imagine you’re feeling sad that you won’t have time to bake homemade “cookies for Santa” like you did last year. Are you assuming your child’s Christmas will be less special as a result? If so, where did you get that idea from? It’s possible you struggle with perfectionism, or that you’ve acquired an idealized version of the holidays from your Instagram feed.
Figuring out where our expectations are coming from
The first step in managing holiday stress is figuring out where it’s coming from. The next time you feel stress or anxiety creeping in, consider its origin. You might discover that your friends’, boss’, or family members’ holiday expectations are what’s crushing you. Alternatively, your own holiday expectations may be driving most of your anxiety.
Create an action plan
The next step in conquering holiday stress is making a plan to manage the expectations driving it. When Uncle Jerry shoves that plate of bread pudding your way with an expectant look in his eyes, what will you do? What are your options?
If your family has been overstepping your dietary boundaries for a long time, the holidays might feel like an important time to hold your ground. One option you could take advantage of is setting a clear boundary. Tell Uncle Jerry that you really appreciate the offer, but you’re going to pass on the sweets.
On the other hand, you can also opt to set this boundary in a way that sidesteps arguments. In this case, you choose to deflect by saying you’re too full right now but look forward to trying it later.
Another option would be to indulge this one time and give everyone the heads-up that your diet starts tomorrow. That way, they’ll have accurate expectations for what you’ll agree to eat—and not eat—moving forward.
Reach out for help with coping with holiday stress and expectations
If you’re not ready to commit to creating new boundaries during the holidays, this time of year is still a great opportunity to explore which expectations are driving your feelings of stress and anxiety with help from a therapist.
Our experienced anxiety therapists have assisted hundreds of people in NYC and throughout the state in managing holiday stress and expectations through online therapy for anxiety.
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