Trying To Help An Anxious Partner? Avoid These 5 Mistakes
In our experience as anxiety therapists at The Keely Group, we found it’s really challenging being in a relationship with someone who has unmanaged anxiety. When you try to provide helpful tips and advice, you can inadvertently trigger them if you’re not careful, making their anxiety worse.
Five mistakes to avoid when trying to support an anxious partner
If you’re wondering how to help a spouse or partner with anxiety, we can help you avoid common pitfalls. Read on for some of the mistakes we’ve seen people make when interacting with an anxious partner:
Assuming you know how they feel
Unless you already know everything about your partner’s background and the challenges they’re facing right now, there’s no way you can know exactly how they feel. They may not fully understand it themselves!
Instead of making assumptions about anxiety, get curious about it. Learn about anxiety’s most common forms, including generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and panic disorder. You may also want to familiarize yourself with the concept of attachment types and anxious attachment. As you educate yourself, you’ll gain useful insights into what triggers your partner. It will also help you understand why they struggle so you can empathize with them more easily.
Have a Real Conversation With Your Partner About How They Feel
Even more important than outside research is to learn about your partner’s anxiety straight from the source (them). When their anxiety is activated, always assume there is more to the story than meets the eye. Be an active listener, paraphrasing their words and seeking clarification. This will allow your partner to feel heard, creating a foundation for more productive conversations.
Accusing them of overreacting
Dealing with an anxious partner be really frustrating, but it’s not their fault they’re anxious. No one with anxiety chooses to have it.
That’s why it’s important to stay away from judgmental/blaming statements, including anything that could be vaguely interpreted that way. Here are a few examples of what not to say:
“Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
“I don’t understand why you’re so upset about this.”
“You shouldn’t let it bother you.”
Your partner already knows their anxiety is out of control. They don’t need reminding; they need understanding. They also need reassurance that their feelings are valid. Here are a few examples of validating statements you can use:
“That sounds frustrating.”
“I can see why you’re so upset. I would be, too!”
“It sucks that you had to deal with that.”
Going straight into problem-solving mode
It’s okay to offer advice if your partner explicitly asks for it. But most people aren’t looking for instruction when they talk about their problems. They’re trying to vent and process their feelings.
Avoid Giving Unsolicited Advice
If you offer unsolicited advice about your partner’s problems or anxiety, it might make them feel insulted, helpless, or misunderstood. Instead of immediately going into problem-solving mode, go into listening/validating mode. Only when your partner feels understood and somewhat calm will they be able to explore practical solutions?
Pressuring them to face their fears
Don’t force an anxious partner past their comfort zone. For example, suppose your spouse struggles with social anxiety, but you nevertheless want them to accompany you at your company’s annual holiday party. They’ve never joined you at a company function before, despite many prior invitations.
Care for Them Regardless of Their Choices
If you complain about their lack of attendance, they’ll probably just beat themselves up about it. If you pressure them to go, they’ll worry about upsetting you, making them even more anxious. Instead of putting them under pressure, we recommend reminding them that you care for them no matter what they choose: “I would really enjoy your company, but I understand if you’re not feeling up to it.”
You should also remember that things aren’t usually black-and-white. Spending four straight hours at a loud party might be unthinkable for your partner, but popping in for an hour might be doable. They might shudder at the thought of meeting the entire C-suite, but perhaps they’d be comfortable meeting your favorite colleague.
Taking it upon yourself to “fix” them
It’s great that you’re learning how to help your spouse or partner with their anxiety, but there’s only so much you can do without being a trained psychotherapist. If your partner needs more help than you can provide on your own, choose a time when they’re feeling calm and gently suggest they connect with a professional.
Let Your Partner Have Control
It’s important that your partner have a sense of agency over their treatment, so you should leave it to them to schedule a consult and set up their first appointment. But there’s nothing wrong with sending them a link to some information. If your partner lives in New York and might be interested in better managing their anxiety, send them a link to our anxiety therapy/treatment page. Perhaps your partner will set up an appointment with one of our anxiety therapists.
Self-Care Is Important as Well
As you continue to support your anxious partner, don’t forget to also take care of yourself. Many people become so focused on helping a partner with anxiety that they lose track of their own needs. In our next post, we’ll offer tips for safeguarding your mental health when dealing with an anxious partner. If you’d like to know more about that, keep an eye on our blog.
If You or Your Partner Are Dealing With Anxiety, Therapy for Anxiety in NYC Can Help!
You may feel like dealing with stress and anxiety in your relationship are just a part of your life you have to come to terms with, even though it’s exhausting. There is no hope, right? Wrong! You don’t have to live your life controlled by stress and anxiety anymore. At The Keely Group, our team works with high-achieving individuals who live in the hustle and bustle culture of New York City to overcome and effectively manage their stress and anxiety. If you are ready to take back control, follow the steps below to get started.
Read through our FAQ page to answer any lingering questions you may have.
Fill out our convenient online contact form to get in touch with our team.
Begin dating with more confidence and understanding!
Other Online Mental Health Services Offered at The Keely Group in New York City.
In addition to Online Therapy for Anxiety, The Keely Group offers a wide variety of online services to fit the needs of busy professionals. We understand that you may face other challenges throughout your daily life that can affect relationships and dating, so we offer online therapy services to help you cope with these issues. Our ultimate goal is to help you streamline your life and that's why we offer an array of services such as: