How to Approach Your Partner About Starting Couples Therapy
Starting the conversation about couples therapy can feel intimidating, especially if you're unsure how your partner will react. Maybe you believe therapy could help, but you're worried they might not be on board or think it’s not needed. This is a common challenge—one person is often more eager to start therapy, while the other may feel hesitant or skeptical.
Understanding this dynamic is key. It’s normal for one partner to feel unsure about therapy, and it’s not necessarily a sign that the relationship is in crisis. However, the partner who’s reluctant might feel like they’re being “ganged up on” or misunderstood. They may worry that therapy will turn into a blame game. If that’s the case, it’s important to approach the conversation with care and empathy.
Michelle Comery, LCSW, shared her approach to helping couples take that first step. Michelle works with couples at The Keely Group and brings particular expertise to relationships navigating communication and connection.
Starting the conversation
1. Consider their views on couples therapy
Before jumping into couples therapy, try to gauge how your partner feels about therapy in general. Have they ever mentioned their thoughts on it? How do they react when you talk about your own therapy experience, if you’ve been to individual sessions before? These are clues about their openness to the idea.
If you sense hesitation, it’s important not to force the issue but rather to have a thoughtful, open-ended conversation about it.
2. Choose a moment that feels relatively calm
There's no perfect moment to bring up couples therapy, and waiting for one can become its own obstacle. That said, the middle of an argument isn't the time. Look for a moment when you're both relatively calm and not already in the middle of something else—that's enough.
3. Use “I” statements
When you do bring up couples therapy, it’s important to avoid language that could make your partner feel like they’re at fault. Focus on your feelings and desires for the relationship.
For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me, and that’s why we need therapy,” try something like, “I’ve noticed we’ve been arguing more, and I’d love for us to understand each other better. I think therapy could help.”
This approach takes the pressure off your partner and creates a collaborative tone, focusing on what you want to improve together rather than pointing out their flaws.
4. Stay curious and open
Approach the conversation from a place of curiosity. Ask your partner how they feel about the state of the relationship and listen without judgment. This helps open a dialogue rather than making the suggestion of therapy feel like an ultimatum.
Ask questions like, “What do you think about couples therapy?” Keep in mind that their initial response may be “no.” If they’re resistant, ask why and listen to their concerns. Trying to push them too hard might make them retreat further. Instead, ask if there’s a way to meet in the middle, or find out what alternatives they might be more open to.
5. Be prepared for logistics and next steps
If your partner is open to the idea, the next steps involve practical discussions, such as finding the right therapist and working out scheduling. Couples often face challenges in finding a time that works for both of them, but virtual therapy can help make things easier. Here at the Keely Group, we offer a comprehensive online experience that can allow you and your partner to coordinate from the comfort of your own home while still having that close relationship with your couples therapist.
Talk about the financial aspect as well, and be open about any concerns either of you may have regarding costs. If money is an issue in your relationship,
6. Don’t force it
It's important to remember that if your partner ultimately decides they aren't ready for therapy, you can't force them to go. Respect their decision, even if it's frustrating or disappointing. Pushing too hard might damage the relationship more than helping it. Instead, keep the lines of communication open and continue to listen.
That said, there is a version of this that looks like a healthy boundary rather than an ultimatum: deciding that you are going to pursue therapy, and attending whether or not your partner joins. Going on your own isn't a failure—it can be a meaningful way to understand your own needs in the relationship, and may open a door to individual therapy that turns out to be exactly what you needed.
7. Finding the right couples therapist
If you both decide to go ahead with couples therapy, finding the right therapist is crucial. Just like with individual therapy, the right fit makes all the difference. If you’re dealing with specific issues like intimacy concerns or infidelity, look for a therapist who specializes in those areas.
It can take more than one consultation to find the right fit, and that's expected. Have a debrief together after each one to discuss how you felt about the session and whether the therapist feels like the right match for both of you.
Final thoughts on couples therapy
Couples therapy is a commitment that can feel tough at times, but the goal is to strengthen your relationship and improve how you relate to each other. Therapy isn’t about assigning blame or determining who’s “right” or “wrong.” A therapist’s role is to understand both partners’ perspectives, validate their feelings, and help them build a stronger connection. If both partners are willing to put in the work, therapy at The Keely Group can be a powerful tool for growth and understanding.
Remember, the conversation about therapy doesn’t have to happen overnight. Give yourself and your partner time to consider the idea, and approach it with patience and an open heart.
Working with a therapist can help
If you're at the point of considering couples therapy, that itself is meaningful. The conversation doesn't have to be perfectly timed or perfectly received—it just has to start somewhere.
Request a consultation with The Keely Group, or learn more about our work in couples therapy.