Harmony Amidst Complexity: Integrating The Wisdom Of Internal Family Systems Into Daily Life
“When you operate with a lot of self on board, other people start picking up on that. It is contagious!” –Mandy Reilly, LPC, LMCH
Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) is an approach to psychotherapy that recognizes the complexity of the human psyche and offers a structured path to self-discovery. Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, IFS provides tools to access the interconnected parts of the self and work on healing ones that have been wounded. For this blog, we sat down with Mandy Reilly, an IFS Therapist who works at the Keely Group.
What Is IFS?
As Reilly explains, Internal Family Systems Theory is based on the belief that each individual's psyche is composed of parts, each with its own beliefs, feelings, and functions. These parts manage emotions, respond to situations, and protect us from pain. Some are well-integrated, while others may be wounded, reactive, or carry unresolved trauma.
The core principles of IFS Theory:
Self: As Reilly puts it, “Each of us, regardless of background and trauma history, has an internal Self,” sometimes called “center” or “soul”. As the essence of our personality, the Self is our unchanging core, characterized by the eight C’s: calm, creative, curious, connected, courageous, compassionate, clear, and confident. IFS Therapy encourages the Self to lead, letting us live more authentically.
Parts: We carry a multiplicity of other parts created to keep us safe. Reilly qualifies these as “managers” and “firefighters.” Managers protect, organize, and maintain a sense of control. When manager protection doesn’t work, firefighters step in with more extreme responses. Although created with good intentions, these parts can be buried deeply and are critical to address.
The Aims of IFS
As Reilly puts it, “The aim of Internal Family Systems Therapy is to help people develop more self-leadership, not by denying the parts but including them and seeing what they have to show us.” Sometimes it's okay, even preferred, for an angry part to take charge, but the aim is for the response to be regulated. The ultimate goal of IFS is healing the wounded parts so that reactivity isn't so extreme. It is about building a relationship between the Self and the parts so that all the parts are understood.
IFS: Common Misconceptions
A common misconception about Internal Family Systems lies within the name. Dr. Schwartz, the founder of IFS, was a family systems therapist who studied patterns and dynamics in the family. But when Dr. Schwartz heard clients referring to different parts within themselves, he conceived of the model of an internal family system. These parts are not necessarily attributed to any one family member, although they can develop from a certain family dynamic that someone experienced. Together, all of these make up someone’s “internal family.”
Tips To Integrate IFS Into Daily Life
Reilly offers insights into how IFS can become a part of our everyday lives and help us find harmony amidst complexity.
Work with an Internal Family Systems Therapist.
The first step to “unblending,” or delving deep into each part, is working with a therapist trained in IFS. In a typical therapy session, the client can separate the Self and the parts, bringing them into dialogue. Reilly refers to this as “parts work.” Doing intense parts work in the context of an IFS Therapy session can bring us clarity in our everyday lives.
“Teflon” vs. “Velcro.”
Once aware of the Self, you are able to hear your needs. Reilly recommends noticing whether a situation is “Teflon” or “Velcro.” Whereas a Teflon situation rolls right off of you, a Velcro situation “sticks” with you. An example of a velcro situation is an interaction during your day that you ruminate about later that night in the shower. These scenarios are worth investigating. Touch base with your parts. Monitor your reactions. Why am I feeling so affected by this? What part of me is reacting and why? How can I be compassionate with that part, and what does that part want me to know? These “velcro” memories are good to work through in therapy.
Conflict Resolution.
When faced with an internal/external conflict or with a big life decision, IFS can clarify whether you have an agenda and what it might be. This agenda you develop, such as “it isn’t in my best interest to…” or “what I want out of this conversation is…'' can arise from a protective part. Ask yourself: why do I have this agenda? What part of me is this coming from? Know what it is like to be operating from Self, and do your best to address conflict with as much of Self on board. As Reilly puts it, “Learning to center the Self during conflict resolution is like building up a muscle.”
Practice Nonviolent Communication.
When expressing yourself to others, determine whether you are coming from a Self-led place. Apply IFS conflict resolution skills to your communication style. It can be very healing to go inward to the Self and choose how to tackle external stressors rather than focusing on how to change others. Having this sense of Self will attract others who are in touch with their own parts, and align the people in your life with their own internal harmony.
Are You Ready to Gain a Better Understanding of Yourself? Internal Family Systems Therapy in New York Can Help!
With the help of an IFS Therapist like Mandy Reilly, the concept of Self and parts can be integrated into everyday life. By understanding and harmonizing the various parts within your internal system, you can experience emotional transformation and achieve a sense of inner peace and balance. If you're on a journey of self-improvement and healing, IFS Therapy might be the guiding light you're searching for.
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Other Online Mental Health Services Offered at
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In addition to Internal Family Systems Therapy, The Keely Group offers a wide variety of online services to fit the needs of busy professionals. We understand that you may face other challenges throughout your daily life that can activate or exacerbate unhelpful defenses, so we offer other online therapy services to help you cope.