If you and your partner are struggling with infertility, you know it can be isolating (especially in a pandemic). Even if you’ve decided to share details of your struggle with friends or family, they may not understand or agree with your family-building choices. One in eight couples struggles to conceive, but that still means most people have no idea what infertility feels like.

Sadly, these aren’t the only reasons why infertility is so lonely. If you’re like many of our patients, you also know something about how infertility affects marriage and relationships. When you’re dealing with infertility, you may feel like you need your partner’s support more than ever. At the same time, trying to build a family may be pushing you apart.

Family-building involves many difficult decisions, and it’s common for partners to disagree. While one of you may want to try everything possible to conceive, the other may not be 100% sold on the idea of kids in the first place. Even if you both want to have children, you might disagree on things like how much money to spend, how long to keep trying, and which options you want to pursue.

If you’re worried that infertility is ruining your marriage, you might feel like you have no one to talk to. Your partner may be trying their best to be supportive, but their opinions and values might differ significantly from your own. In our experience as fertility therapists, it’s not enough to tackle infertility-related issues as a couple; you must also address your individual hopes and concerns.

Dealing with infertility as an individual

It is essential to explore your feelings about family-building independently, especially if you and your partner disagree. If your partner has been trying to convince you to pursue a particular path, you may feel pressured, misunderstood, and invalidated. Perhaps you’re not even sure of what you want anymore, especially when there are so many big questions to answer.

Is being a parent a high priority for you, or can you envision a happy life without children? Is your partner’s current stance on family-building a deal-breaker for you? If you want children, what are you willing to sacrifice to accomplish that? Is it essential that you have a biological child? If so—and you’re pursuing infertility treatments—how will you know when to stop trying?

Questions like these are best explored in an environment of total neutrality, but friends and family can’t typically provide that, even if they have your best interests at heart. Only an experienced therapist can offer a completely neutral space to explore your goals and validate your feelings. Another good option would be to join a support-style group on Facebook, Reddit, or elsewhere to connect with like-minded people.

And don’t forget about self-care. If you’re facing infertility-related relationship problems, a pandemic, work stress, and who-knows-what-else, you should always schedule time for self-care, even if it’s something small. Instead of eating lunch at your desk, take a quick walk. Take fifteen minutes before bed to take a bath or even just to sit quietly in a dimly lit room. If you have a bit more time, set up a date with a friend for a walk in the park.

Dealing with infertility as a couple

While we don’t counsel couples (just individuals), we do understand how infertility affects a marriage/partnership. One thing we always recommend is to limit the amount of time you spend talking about fertility. Depending on your situation, you may feel like your partner won’t stop pressuring you or that they don’t care about what you have to say. In either case, it can help to set aside a specific time—such as one hour every Saturday morning—to talk about family-building.

During the rest of the week, the topic might be off-limits. This strategy allows communication to take place in a contained, intentional, considered space. At the same time, it will enable you both to take a much-needed break from family planning. If fertility discussions are a frequent source of conflict between you, reducing those discussions will naturally mitigate that conflict while still ensuring that you and your partner will have space to be heard. If you’re dying to tell your partner about some new fertility-related idea, jot it down to make sure you remember to talk about it later.

Setting aside time for shared fun and relaxation is also really important. You enjoyed each other’s company at some point before all this fertility stuff came out, right? You might need to be reminded of that. Eat a nice dinner together, watch a movie, or do anything else you both enjoy. Agree together to not bring up the fertility stuff so it can be a valuable opportunity to let down your guard and just enjoy yourselves.

Ideally, you’ll supplement the general advice we provide in our family-building blog posts with personalized support. Every situation is different, but an experienced infertility therapist can address your unique challenges. We work with individuals in New York City and throughout the state via our secure online counseling platform. Learn more about fertility and family-planning counseling or schedule a free consult.